How do I even begin this post... Here it goes. I have been self-harming since I was 11 years old. Thats 15 years to be exact. I got the tattoo on my wrist after exactly 365 days of not self harming and guess what, three weeks later I was back to my old ways. I have learned that even though I relapsed I still made it 365 days without cutting. Cutting has been my only coping skill for as long as I can remember. Today a friend of mine gave me a few questions to ask myself before I even think about doing anything selfishly.
Question 1: When my brother and sisters speak about me in later years, what will they say?
Question 2: Would my mom survive? I am her child and losing a child will be devastating.
Question 3: Would this make my brother and sisters find it acceptable to do the same?
Question 4: Would my death cause a chain reaction that I had no intention of starting?
I am in therapy and I have a contract with my therapist and we have a safety plan in place. So please do not worry. I am trying to take care of myself. It is just difficult when I am taking care of other people too. I find it so easy to let my problems sit in the back of my mind and just forget about them while helping other people. I have also learned that having the degree that I have makes it very easy to help others and guess what most of the time I can, but that does not translate to helping myself. I am learning every day. If you find it in your heart to pray for me, please do.
I plan on getting a semicolon tattoo within the next two months because guess what, I survived my attempts. All six of them. By some miraculous event I am still here. I did it. A semicolon represents a sentence that the author could have ended, but chose not to. I feel that is how I could represent my drive to keep going!
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Happy Birthday Mommy!!
Mommy, Happy Birthday to the woman that always brought out the best in me or at least saw the best in me regardless of what I did or didn't do. You have poured your life and soul into making me the person that I am today, and you did it alone. I am so lucky that God chose me to be your first born. Thank you for inspiring me, guiding me, and praying for me. You have loved me when I was seemingly unloveable. You have given me strength that sometimes I cannot see, but I can always feel. Thank you for laughing with me, and crying with me, and teaching me that my character means more than what other people think of me. You have gone through so much and you still find a way to make me smile in the midst of your battle. You are the strongest person I know and I love you.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Worry
I'd like to say that things are so much better than this time last year but to be honest things aren't better... they are different. Instead of worrying about what class I should register in or who I'm going to the movies with tonight I am exchanging those worries for new ones like "will my little Tara and Jordan think that my mom and I have abandoned them" or "when is my mom going to need to have a heart/lung transplant" or "can I make it through this day with maybe just one or two more panic attacks". Right now I am living my life second by second because that is all I can manage. I feel like my life is one step forward three steps back. I can't seem to catch up and I feel like I am drowning. Also, Mikhail is a saint.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
A Birthday Party and a Sick Puppy
Mommy, Mikhail and I went to Colton's 6th birthday party last night at the Clubhouse. It was a blast, minus the 115 heat index. It was great having so much family together! He is really into Pokemon so Kristen did an amazing job (as always) decorating and making it super fun for all the kiddos! She is so creative, sadly I missed out on that gene! I loved getting to see Jordan and Tara! I have missed them so much. It broke my heart when Jordan came to me and said "will you pick me up and hug me". They are doing so well!
Mom is doing well. She is still on 3L of oxygen but she has been able to get out a little bit. We even went to the eye doctor on Friday! Don't worry, I am still legally blind, but the eye doctor can get me to 20/25 so I will still be able to drive! Mom had gained too much weight in a very short amount of time (it was all water weight) so we made an unexpected trip to Oklahoma Heart Institute to get her medication changed. They did a chest x-ray and everything is looking much better! She is doing great in physical therapy. She has been able to walk the stairs and shower with just a little help! We finally got longer tubing for her oxygen so she can keep it on at all times!
Oh my gosh! Aunt Joyce is in town! I saw her and hugged her for approximately four hours. I have missed her. She truly is like a second mom to me. Its so weird, we can go two months with not seeing each other and all of us pick up right where we left off. She is an amazing friend to my sweet momma and a great Aunt to me!
Well today has been a rough one! Mikhail and I took Macy to the vet this afternoon because she had been coughing and sneezing and just seemed miserable... My biggest fears were confirmed; she has kennel cough. She was vaccinated against it but there are different strains of kennel cough (like the flu shot in humans) so she was a very unlucky puppy. The vet gave her liquid antibiotics and a cough pill. I am just hoping she doesn't spread it to Butter or either of Mickeys parents dogs. Bella has it as well.
Mikhail has been cooking every night! He has cooked every meal and has been trying to teach me to cook, too. I am so impressed with the food he comes up with! He can go into our kitchen and make something delicious with limited ingredients, and its ALL healthy and gluten free! We have had so much fun!
Oh, I checked the mail today and got a piece of mail from Saint Francis, I was expecting a huge bill and it was actually a small check! Things are great!
Mom is doing well. She is still on 3L of oxygen but she has been able to get out a little bit. We even went to the eye doctor on Friday! Don't worry, I am still legally blind, but the eye doctor can get me to 20/25 so I will still be able to drive! Mom had gained too much weight in a very short amount of time (it was all water weight) so we made an unexpected trip to Oklahoma Heart Institute to get her medication changed. They did a chest x-ray and everything is looking much better! She is doing great in physical therapy. She has been able to walk the stairs and shower with just a little help! We finally got longer tubing for her oxygen so she can keep it on at all times!
Oh my gosh! Aunt Joyce is in town! I saw her and hugged her for approximately four hours. I have missed her. She truly is like a second mom to me. Its so weird, we can go two months with not seeing each other and all of us pick up right where we left off. She is an amazing friend to my sweet momma and a great Aunt to me!
Well today has been a rough one! Mikhail and I took Macy to the vet this afternoon because she had been coughing and sneezing and just seemed miserable... My biggest fears were confirmed; she has kennel cough. She was vaccinated against it but there are different strains of kennel cough (like the flu shot in humans) so she was a very unlucky puppy. The vet gave her liquid antibiotics and a cough pill. I am just hoping she doesn't spread it to Butter or either of Mickeys parents dogs. Bella has it as well.
Mikhail has been cooking every night! He has cooked every meal and has been trying to teach me to cook, too. I am so impressed with the food he comes up with! He can go into our kitchen and make something delicious with limited ingredients, and its ALL healthy and gluten free! We have had so much fun!
Oh, I checked the mail today and got a piece of mail from Saint Francis, I was expecting a huge bill and it was actually a small check! Things are great!
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Quotes, Goals, and Some Jesus
Goals
1. My value does not decrease based upon someones inability to see my worth…
2. If it doesn't encourage or support me, inspire or engage me, develop and challenge me… get rid of it. Being unhappy is part of life; staying that way is a choice…
3. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
4. Dear God, if today I lose my hope please remind me that your PLANS are bigger than my dreams…
5. Until God opens the next door, praise HIM in the hallway…
Being Thankful
These are the five most important lessons that I need to learn for my life. My God is bigger than any problem I could possibly face or any part of my past that continues to hurt me. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I have my family that I know would do anything for me; they have continually proved this over and over agin. I have a man in my life that is probably the sweetest thing God ever created; he continually treats me like a princess and I love him dearly. I have so many doctors that are trying to help me get well. I have new friends and old friends that help keep me going when I think I have nothing left to give. I have my sweet, sweet Macy and Butter that cuddle me even more when they know that I'm not feeling well.
Goals For July
1. Make and Stick to a Budget. bahahaha. Okay, so we all know that Sara has tried to do a budget before… FAILED MISERABLY. There was no hiding it. Old Navy deciding that I needed a new wardrobe. That generous police officer that decided I needed to pay the City of Tulsa $711. Macy's pet insurance (which I assure you is absolutely necessary seeing as her medical bills match mine most months) was due to renew. Chipotle's obvious schemes used to get me specifically to eat there twice a week. So, this time I will try to make a budget that is completely easy to attend to and follow it. Or at least try my hardest.
2. Follow my Agenda. I specifically bought a new agenda thinking that it would motivate me to write appointments in and have a way to follow it… Living my life relying on my cell phone calendar is probably not the most responsible thing I could be doing. I am 26 it is time to pull up my big girl panties and do what I need to do.
3. Change my Last Name. Okay so this is something that I have been thinking about for the past 15 years. For personal reasons I will not discuss why this needs to be done, but I promise it does. I am changing it to my Mommy's last name. I have the papers to start the process… I just need to start filling out that paperwork and take it down to the courthouse to file. (YAY!). Oh, and don't get me started on the whole "well you'll be getting married soon why change it"… I will hurt you.
4. Be more proactive in my team. I have some very serious mental health issues and my team is the group of people that is trying to help me. This includes an Intensive Outpatient Group, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Mikhail, my Mom, and Me. I am supposed to be the leader of my team. I am slowly learning that I am not my illness, but it has been a daily struggle to even get out of bed some days. Some days the issues I am dealing with are too difficult to face. I am trying. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I need to take my medicine, I need to show up to therapy, and I need to talk and listen more.
5. Make Better Choices for My Life. I graduated college almost 2 years ago… I'm sure the ramen noodle diet is probably not going to be appropriate much longer. (I will always bleed crimson and cream! #proudalumni #boomersooner). I am thinking about starting some light yoga that won't put too much pressure on my arm. Believe it or not, I am actually thinking about voluntarily going back to physical therapy for my arm (I know I'm crazy, right?). I need to take Macy on more walks. She loves being outside and can't help it… I love every ounce of that puppy!
1. My value does not decrease based upon someones inability to see my worth…
2. If it doesn't encourage or support me, inspire or engage me, develop and challenge me… get rid of it. Being unhappy is part of life; staying that way is a choice…
3. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
4. Dear God, if today I lose my hope please remind me that your PLANS are bigger than my dreams…
5. Until God opens the next door, praise HIM in the hallway…
Being Thankful
These are the five most important lessons that I need to learn for my life. My God is bigger than any problem I could possibly face or any part of my past that continues to hurt me. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I have my family that I know would do anything for me; they have continually proved this over and over agin. I have a man in my life that is probably the sweetest thing God ever created; he continually treats me like a princess and I love him dearly. I have so many doctors that are trying to help me get well. I have new friends and old friends that help keep me going when I think I have nothing left to give. I have my sweet, sweet Macy and Butter that cuddle me even more when they know that I'm not feeling well.
Goals For July
1. Make and Stick to a Budget. bahahaha. Okay, so we all know that Sara has tried to do a budget before… FAILED MISERABLY. There was no hiding it. Old Navy deciding that I needed a new wardrobe. That generous police officer that decided I needed to pay the City of Tulsa $711. Macy's pet insurance (which I assure you is absolutely necessary seeing as her medical bills match mine most months) was due to renew. Chipotle's obvious schemes used to get me specifically to eat there twice a week. So, this time I will try to make a budget that is completely easy to attend to and follow it. Or at least try my hardest.
2. Follow my Agenda. I specifically bought a new agenda thinking that it would motivate me to write appointments in and have a way to follow it… Living my life relying on my cell phone calendar is probably not the most responsible thing I could be doing. I am 26 it is time to pull up my big girl panties and do what I need to do.
3. Change my Last Name. Okay so this is something that I have been thinking about for the past 15 years. For personal reasons I will not discuss why this needs to be done, but I promise it does. I am changing it to my Mommy's last name. I have the papers to start the process… I just need to start filling out that paperwork and take it down to the courthouse to file. (YAY!). Oh, and don't get me started on the whole "well you'll be getting married soon why change it"… I will hurt you.
4. Be more proactive in my team. I have some very serious mental health issues and my team is the group of people that is trying to help me. This includes an Intensive Outpatient Group, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Mikhail, my Mom, and Me. I am supposed to be the leader of my team. I am slowly learning that I am not my illness, but it has been a daily struggle to even get out of bed some days. Some days the issues I am dealing with are too difficult to face. I am trying. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I need to take my medicine, I need to show up to therapy, and I need to talk and listen more.
5. Make Better Choices for My Life. I graduated college almost 2 years ago… I'm sure the ramen noodle diet is probably not going to be appropriate much longer. (I will always bleed crimson and cream! #proudalumni #boomersooner). I am thinking about starting some light yoga that won't put too much pressure on my arm. Believe it or not, I am actually thinking about voluntarily going back to physical therapy for my arm (I know I'm crazy, right?). I need to take Macy on more walks. She loves being outside and can't help it… I love every ounce of that puppy!
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Truths
His Embrace
I fail, daily.
I am not perfect in any fashion…honestly I often find myself running from perfection.
I am a sinner.
A dirty, thoughtless, selfish, lustful, greedy, rude, arrogant sinner.
I break promises.
I’ve bruised hearts with harsh words.
I fall into temptation over and over and OVER again.
I judge, even though i hate it.
I’m absolutely broken.
I’ve been a quitter.
I’ve put God last.
Thankfully…
His embrace is one that heals.
He reaches into the core of my being, the threads of my soul and says: This one is mine.
I am HIS.
Redeemed.
Rescued.
Restored.
The sins i struggle with…forgiven.
The fear that grips my spirit…broken.
The love i’ve abandoned…present.
His embrace is one that heals…
I fail, daily.
I am not perfect in any fashion…honestly I often find myself running from perfection.
I am a sinner.
A dirty, thoughtless, selfish, lustful, greedy, rude, arrogant sinner.
I break promises.
I’ve bruised hearts with harsh words.
I fall into temptation over and over and OVER again.
I judge, even though i hate it.
I’m absolutely broken.
I’ve been a quitter.
I’ve put God last.
Thankfully…
His embrace is one that heals.
He reaches into the core of my being, the threads of my soul and says: This one is mine.
I am HIS.
Redeemed.
Rescued.
Restored.
The sins i struggle with…forgiven.
The fear that grips my spirit…broken.
The love i’ve abandoned…present.
His embrace is one that heals…
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
The Rolling Stones
OH. MY. GOD.
Saturday Rick (Mikhail's Dad), Pam (Mikhail's Mom), Mikhail and I went to see The Rolling Stones! This was the chance of a lifetime! I am so lucky that I got to see this concert! Ed Sheeran opened, and I have to admit that I fan-girled a little too hard! He was wonderful! He sang "I'm a Mess", "Lego House", "Don't", "The A Team", and "Thinking Out Loud" just to name a few! I sang along to every word thinking there was no way seeing him could be topped. Boy was I wrong! Mikhail didn't hate him too much either! The Rolling Stones played all of their classics! They started out with "Start Me Up" and also played "Gimme Shelter" which quite possibly have been the best song of the evening! They kept building up and continued to blow my mind! I cannot believe I had the opportunity to see The Rolling Stones!!! I will never forget. I am angry at myself that I didn't take more pictures, but lets face it, I was a little distracted by the amazing Mick Jagger. The fraternity guys in front of us pregamed a little too hard. They were falling over each other pouring into their seats and I'm pretty sure that all 5 of them had 10 beers a piece. The guy directly in front of me was trying to dance (I emphasize trying here, because this was the worst dancing I have ever seen) and he fell into the lady in front of him and landed on top of her. He was escorted out of the concert. Also, the smell of pot was crazy. I don't believe in contact highs but holy crap did I have cotton mouth! Oh, I didn't get a sunburn so that was awesome! Kudos to Pam for bringing sunscreen! I had the time of my life. It was nice to get away from everything that has been going on at home... but I did text mom every hour I think. haha.
Mommy is doing wonderfully. Her stamina is building and building! She is able to walk 5 laps around Poppy's driveway at the house. I am seriously impressed with how great she is doing. We have to go weekly to get her blood levels checked to make sure she's not forming blood clots. Physical Therapy comes twice a week and is really helping! (I also know her PTA Michelle, she's pretty great) Home Health is coming once a week now to check on her vital signs and medication. Her appetite has improved! She is eating very healthy foods! I am so proud of her!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Half-aversary and Birthday!
Saturday was mine and Mikhail's six month anniversary. I cannot explain how amazing he truly is. He always puts me first and always has our best interest at heart. He has been there for me through everything and I am so grateful he is in my life. My birthday was Sunday. Mommy, Poppy, Ma, Mikhail and I spent the day together and just laughed and talked about everything! Mikhail got me a massage and a really cute charm bracelet! Oh, he is also going to be making all of us dinner tomorrow night! Pad Thai (my favorite) and caramel cheesecake! Yummy!
Mommy is doing better. She is still on oxygen and home health is here every day. She has physical therapy three times a week and occupational therapy twice a week. Along with all of that, she also has to get her blood drawn to make sure her blood thinner is in the right range. I am so glad that she is doing so well! She still isn't eating much, but the doctors at the hospital said that was normal and that her appetite should return in six to eight weeks! I am so proud of her and how far she has come!
Friday, May 29, 2015
Progress Not Perfection
Day 30:
Wow! I have seen a remarkable change in my mom today! She has gone on three walks, sat in the chair for 6 hours, and is down to 3-4 liters of oxygen! She has this determined look on her face that I haven't seen in a long time. I am so proud of her! She is getting better. Dr. Kempe said that she can go home tomorrow or Sunday! Wow, this 31 day hospital stay is enough for me! It will be the best birthday present I could ever receive! She is such an inspiration to me. She came to this huge hurdle in life and has overcome and is doing better than anyone thought she would be doing. She is going to be going to my Poppy's for a week or two before she comes home. I plan on being there as much as I can, but I need to clean the house! I got to pick up Mikhail's parents (Pam and Rick) up from the airport yesterday! They are such wonderful people and such great prayer warriors. While they were vacationing in Italy, the were texting me and praying for my mom! All in all today has been a great day! My mouth is a little sore from the root canal yesterday, but feels better now that they have lanced my abscess. The antibiotics they put me on are huge! They are almost as big as mom's potassium pills! My asthma has been acting up because of the weather, but I'm pretty sure everyones has been with the two weeks of rain and flooding we have here. I found my blanket in my trunk today! So I am a very happy girl! I love little surprises! Oh, I'm going to miss having an endless supply of the second best ice around... Sonics is still number one but Hillcrest has some pretty awesome ice too!
Wow! I have seen a remarkable change in my mom today! She has gone on three walks, sat in the chair for 6 hours, and is down to 3-4 liters of oxygen! She has this determined look on her face that I haven't seen in a long time. I am so proud of her! She is getting better. Dr. Kempe said that she can go home tomorrow or Sunday! Wow, this 31 day hospital stay is enough for me! It will be the best birthday present I could ever receive! She is such an inspiration to me. She came to this huge hurdle in life and has overcome and is doing better than anyone thought she would be doing. She is going to be going to my Poppy's for a week or two before she comes home. I plan on being there as much as I can, but I need to clean the house! I got to pick up Mikhail's parents (Pam and Rick) up from the airport yesterday! They are such wonderful people and such great prayer warriors. While they were vacationing in Italy, the were texting me and praying for my mom! All in all today has been a great day! My mouth is a little sore from the root canal yesterday, but feels better now that they have lanced my abscess. The antibiotics they put me on are huge! They are almost as big as mom's potassium pills! My asthma has been acting up because of the weather, but I'm pretty sure everyones has been with the two weeks of rain and flooding we have here. I found my blanket in my trunk today! So I am a very happy girl! I love little surprises! Oh, I'm going to miss having an endless supply of the second best ice around... Sonics is still number one but Hillcrest has some pretty awesome ice too!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Grateful
Day 28:
Today as I was getting on the elevator I saw a woman crying. She proceeded to explain to me that her husband had just been taken off life support today and her son had a stroke yesterday. I can't stop thinking about her. I wish I had more words of wisdom to give, but all I could muster was I am so sorry and I will keep you in my prayers. I wanted to cry with her and tell her everything would be alright, but deep down I knew that was the last thing she wanted to hear... That is the last thing I wanted to hear and my mom is still alive! I wanted to validate her feelings because everything she was feeling was normal. I would be a complete basket-case if my husband had died and my son had a stroke all within a 24 hour period. I am so grateful that my mom is still here and she is getting better every day. They mentioned today her going to a physical therapy place and staying there until she gets her strength back, but we won't know for a few more days. She is still having a lot of trouble breathing and is feeling dizzy and nauseous most of the day. She has been so patient and is so ready to be out of the hospital! Heck, I am able to leave the hospital and I'm ready to be out of here! Dr. Kempe said probably a few more days. Aunt Joyce was able to postpone going back to work until tomorrow, so she has been here with us the whole time. I am so thankful for her. She has gone above and beyond the call of a best friend. She is a saint!
Today as I was getting on the elevator I saw a woman crying. She proceeded to explain to me that her husband had just been taken off life support today and her son had a stroke yesterday. I can't stop thinking about her. I wish I had more words of wisdom to give, but all I could muster was I am so sorry and I will keep you in my prayers. I wanted to cry with her and tell her everything would be alright, but deep down I knew that was the last thing she wanted to hear... That is the last thing I wanted to hear and my mom is still alive! I wanted to validate her feelings because everything she was feeling was normal. I would be a complete basket-case if my husband had died and my son had a stroke all within a 24 hour period. I am so grateful that my mom is still here and she is getting better every day. They mentioned today her going to a physical therapy place and staying there until she gets her strength back, but we won't know for a few more days. She is still having a lot of trouble breathing and is feeling dizzy and nauseous most of the day. She has been so patient and is so ready to be out of the hospital! Heck, I am able to leave the hospital and I'm ready to be out of here! Dr. Kempe said probably a few more days. Aunt Joyce was able to postpone going back to work until tomorrow, so she has been here with us the whole time. I am so thankful for her. She has gone above and beyond the call of a best friend. She is a saint!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Luckiest Girl In The World
Day 20:
Today I got to see my mom! It was the best feeling I've ever had. Just seeing her and knowing that she was okay put my mind to instant ease. I have been going crazy at Aunt J's house while I've been on lock down mode from bronchitis and she's been able to go up there! I am so jealous! I am pretty positive I had the biggest smile on my face for at least the first hour I was there. My mom was moved back to a non-icu floor! Holy cow! Last Friday, I never thought we would be here. To be honest, I wasn't even sure she would be here. (That is something this mommy's girl would never admit) She was struggling. Struggling is probably not even a scary enough word to what she was experiencing. They have now figured everything out and are doing everything in their power to give her the best care possible! Dr. Kempe even mentioned her possibly going home on Friday! She had such a sweet nurse today. I could tell she had been taking good care of my mom. We watched Dr. Phil as they took my moms central line out and put in the port. That was pretty graphic, and I probably should have listened to the nurse to leave when she was doing it, or at the very least turn my head. I'm not usually squeamish but holy cow!
I am right where I need to be. For the first time in my life I feel like I am doing more than surviving my life... I'm living it! And loving it! I am exactly where God wants me to be and I am learning to trust that. I am learning so much. Holy cow, therapy today was a blur. I found myself doing something I have never done before... Listening! I've always gone through the motions of listening, but I don't think I've ever really listened to someone without constantly thinking of my reply. For the first time in my life it wasn't about me. It was so refreshing! I was able to convey exactly how I felt, things that I have been dealing with, and things I have been avoiding with ease. I won't say that I am magically cured or completely better, but its so wonderful to not be the center of my world. I can now see other people for what and who they are. I feel like this has shed a whole new light on things. I am so excited for what lies ahead of me.
Also, how long is this cough going to last?
Today I got to see my mom! It was the best feeling I've ever had. Just seeing her and knowing that she was okay put my mind to instant ease. I have been going crazy at Aunt J's house while I've been on lock down mode from bronchitis and she's been able to go up there! I am so jealous! I am pretty positive I had the biggest smile on my face for at least the first hour I was there. My mom was moved back to a non-icu floor! Holy cow! Last Friday, I never thought we would be here. To be honest, I wasn't even sure she would be here. (That is something this mommy's girl would never admit) She was struggling. Struggling is probably not even a scary enough word to what she was experiencing. They have now figured everything out and are doing everything in their power to give her the best care possible! Dr. Kempe even mentioned her possibly going home on Friday! She had such a sweet nurse today. I could tell she had been taking good care of my mom. We watched Dr. Phil as they took my moms central line out and put in the port. That was pretty graphic, and I probably should have listened to the nurse to leave when she was doing it, or at the very least turn my head. I'm not usually squeamish but holy cow!
I am right where I need to be. For the first time in my life I feel like I am doing more than surviving my life... I'm living it! And loving it! I am exactly where God wants me to be and I am learning to trust that. I am learning so much. Holy cow, therapy today was a blur. I found myself doing something I have never done before... Listening! I've always gone through the motions of listening, but I don't think I've ever really listened to someone without constantly thinking of my reply. For the first time in my life it wasn't about me. It was so refreshing! I was able to convey exactly how I felt, things that I have been dealing with, and things I have been avoiding with ease. I won't say that I am magically cured or completely better, but its so wonderful to not be the center of my world. I can now see other people for what and who they are. I feel like this has shed a whole new light on things. I am so excited for what lies ahead of me.
Also, how long is this cough going to last?
Sunday, May 17, 2015
One Step Forward Two Steps Back
Day 18:
Aunt Joyce got a call this morning that Mommy wasn't doing very well. They transferred her back to ICU and put her back on the Bi-pap machine. She was having trouble breathing and keeping her SP02 levels up. After a little while on the Bi-pap she was able to come off and is now back on oxygen! This is the best news I've heard today! Aunt Joyce said that when she left mommy was up and eating with her oxygen in a chair! I am so excited. Thank God for Aunt J. She has been taking care of my mom and me. She is a saint! I am so thankful that she has been my moms best friend for the past 30 years and counting! I don't know where we would be without her.
Aunt Joyce got a call this morning that Mommy wasn't doing very well. They transferred her back to ICU and put her back on the Bi-pap machine. She was having trouble breathing and keeping her SP02 levels up. After a little while on the Bi-pap she was able to come off and is now back on oxygen! This is the best news I've heard today! Aunt Joyce said that when she left mommy was up and eating with her oxygen in a chair! I am so excited. Thank God for Aunt J. She has been taking care of my mom and me. She is a saint! I am so thankful that she has been my moms best friend for the past 30 years and counting! I don't know where we would be without her.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Vulnerable
Day 17:
I hate that word... It makes me feel so, well, exposed. This was exactly how I felt Wednesday night. Seeing my mom hooked up to a ventilator and not breathing on her own is one image I will never be able to erase from my memory. She had a rough night and a rough start to the day on Thursday. They kept her on a bi-pap machine to force her to breathe and were talking about having to put her back on the ventilator but she surprised everyone and held her own with 10 liters of oxygen. She's stubborn (I think that is where I might get it) I am so proud of her. They moved her to out of ICU on Friday night and she is now in a regular room at OHI. She is now down to 8 liters of oxygen and keeping her pulse ox over 95! She is still feeling very sick to her stomach and is in a lot of pain. They couldn't give her anything for pain until Friday because she was "too sedated" but they were finally able to give her something last night! I am so proud of my mom!
Today, I woke up and knew something was wrong. I went to urgent care and found out that I have bronchitis. I had a 102 degree fever, and the doctor told me I can't go back up to see Mommy until I am fever free for 48 hours and even then I have to wear a gown, mask, and gloves. I got a steroid shot and antibiotics, a steroid pack, and cough medicine. I don't want to risk getting her sick, but it kills me that I'm not able to be up there. I miss her so much. I guess all the people in my life that have been telling me to take care of myself were right. That is not something I like to admit! In order to care for my mom I am going to have to start taking care of myself. I am still staying with Aunt J and am basically locking myself in my cousins old room until I start to feel better.
I hate that word... It makes me feel so, well, exposed. This was exactly how I felt Wednesday night. Seeing my mom hooked up to a ventilator and not breathing on her own is one image I will never be able to erase from my memory. She had a rough night and a rough start to the day on Thursday. They kept her on a bi-pap machine to force her to breathe and were talking about having to put her back on the ventilator but she surprised everyone and held her own with 10 liters of oxygen. She's stubborn (I think that is where I might get it) I am so proud of her. They moved her to out of ICU on Friday night and she is now in a regular room at OHI. She is now down to 8 liters of oxygen and keeping her pulse ox over 95! She is still feeling very sick to her stomach and is in a lot of pain. They couldn't give her anything for pain until Friday because she was "too sedated" but they were finally able to give her something last night! I am so proud of my mom!
Today, I woke up and knew something was wrong. I went to urgent care and found out that I have bronchitis. I had a 102 degree fever, and the doctor told me I can't go back up to see Mommy until I am fever free for 48 hours and even then I have to wear a gown, mask, and gloves. I got a steroid shot and antibiotics, a steroid pack, and cough medicine. I don't want to risk getting her sick, but it kills me that I'm not able to be up there. I miss her so much. I guess all the people in my life that have been telling me to take care of myself were right. That is not something I like to admit! In order to care for my mom I am going to have to start taking care of myself. I am still staying with Aunt J and am basically locking myself in my cousins old room until I start to feel better.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
It's Over!
Day 14:
Just spoke with Dr. Kempe (my mom's cardio-thoracic surgeon) and things went as well as could be expected! They have successfully accomplished all they hoped to accomplish in this surgery. They replaced her mitral valve and repaired her tricuspid valve. She is still on the ventilator and on heavy sedation. They will continue to keep her sedated while she is recovering. They are hoping to remove the ventilator in the next 6 to 8 hours, but this will be determined by my mom's progress. Most of the family that was up here during her surgery has gone home! Thank you to everyone that came up to show their love and support. Aunt J, Aunt Anna, Aunt Sandi, Aunt Dana, Aunt B, Poppy, Ma, Laurel, and especially Mikhail for keeping me sane and making me laugh today. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. I will try to keep you all updated! I still have the text list going, if you would like to be added please let me know!
Just spoke with Dr. Kempe (my mom's cardio-thoracic surgeon) and things went as well as could be expected! They have successfully accomplished all they hoped to accomplish in this surgery. They replaced her mitral valve and repaired her tricuspid valve. She is still on the ventilator and on heavy sedation. They will continue to keep her sedated while she is recovering. They are hoping to remove the ventilator in the next 6 to 8 hours, but this will be determined by my mom's progress. Most of the family that was up here during her surgery has gone home! Thank you to everyone that came up to show their love and support. Aunt J, Aunt Anna, Aunt Sandi, Aunt Dana, Aunt B, Poppy, Ma, Laurel, and especially Mikhail for keeping me sane and making me laugh today. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. I will try to keep you all updated! I still have the text list going, if you would like to be added please let me know!
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Tomorrow
Day 13:
When my mom was 12 she had rheumatic fever. She was in the hospital just over three months. She has mitral valve prolapse (stenosis and regurgitation) and a tricuspid valve issue. She has been under the watch of a cardiologist for the past 20 years and was told when she was in her mid-fifties she would need surgery. Well they hit the nail on the head as she is 55. But, we didn't realize how sick she truly has been. She started having severe trouble breathing on April 30. By 5:00 on May 1 we were rushed to the emergency room and admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with bronchitis, however, it has since been realized that it has been her heart causing her trouble breathing and she has no infection. Her symptoms have included: low blood pressure, dizzy spells, trouble breathing, chest pains, fluid around her lungs (not pneumonia or infection), coughing, wheezing, hypoxia, tachycardia, extreme fatigue, heart palpitations, and atrial fibrillation. During her surgery in the morning the goal is to replace her mitral valve with a mechanical valve and to repair her tricuspid valve. She will be placed on a bypass machine and have open heart surgery that is expected to happen at noon tomorrow and take anywhere from 3-8 hours to complete. The time is so broad because they do not know exactly what to expect. All of their tests have been none invasive, so while they have some idea of what is going on the true extent has yet to be realized. They have her on prophylactics and have been monitoring her closely for change and progress. Daily, sometimes hourly, x-rays, blood draws, needle pricks, and IV's have been part of every day life for the past 12 days. After this surgery and recovery process at the hospital is complete, my mom will be going to The Loft with Poppy and Ma. They have hired a part time nurse to help care for her while she is recovering. I am so thankful that they offered this. Keep in mind that this hospital stay will probably be 23-25 days long. I know she is tired of being here, and I don't blame her. I am not sure if it is hormones or just being a dramatic girl, but hell yes I am scared. Scared is probably an understatement. It was just last night that my mom and I sat in her room and cried together for about thirty minutes. I have had my moments today and I am sure I will have more in the days to follow. She is scared and seeing my mom (the all-powerful all-knowing mom) scared is just not something I am used to. She has always been my rock and my refuge and now it is time for me to step up to the plate. But I am terrified. I am placing a huge amount of faith in God and in this surgeons hands. He holds the life of the person that is the reason I am here in His hands. I don't know how I am going to handle seeing my mom on a ventilator and unable to speak. I don't know much about how long she will be away from me in the ICU. I feel like the weight of the world is on my two very weak shoulders and the only thing holding me up is faith and the support of a few key people. I have learned that not everyone you think will be there for you will. Friends that you thought were just acquaintances become family, and family members become strangers and blood means absolutely nothing. Mikhail and I are wonderful. He is still the rock that is holding me together. He and his family have been the greatest support system and I truly don't know where I would be without them. He has restored my faith in the male species and constantly surprises me about how much he cares. I am one lucky lady to call him mine! (Plus he's kinda cute and I'm kind of in love with him, so I think I'll keep him around). Honestly, right now it is hard to focus on me. I am struggling but talking through it. My therapist has helped tremendously. I truly believe that things will get easier when this surgery is over and my mom is out of ICU. I wish that I could wake up and it be Thursday and have my mom already be recovering and healthy. I am trying my hardest to keep calm and have been utilizing the coping skills I have learned the past few weeks. I know that we will be able to lean on each other during this hard time. Me- Sara (the daughter) Mom- Sheri (the strongest woman I know) Mikhail- my amazing boyfriend Poppy- Sheri's dad, my grandpa (he's pretty wonderful) Ma- Denise, my grandma (she's the glue in this family) Aunt J- Joyce, my mom's best friend and my hero Thank you to everyone that has called/texted/visited/prayed/encouraged/cried with me and for my mom. You all are wonderful and I am so blessed to have you in my life. We have really come together and I am so happy that she has so many people behind her.
When my mom was 12 she had rheumatic fever. She was in the hospital just over three months. She has mitral valve prolapse (stenosis and regurgitation) and a tricuspid valve issue. She has been under the watch of a cardiologist for the past 20 years and was told when she was in her mid-fifties she would need surgery. Well they hit the nail on the head as she is 55. But, we didn't realize how sick she truly has been. She started having severe trouble breathing on April 30. By 5:00 on May 1 we were rushed to the emergency room and admitted to the hospital. She was diagnosed with bronchitis, however, it has since been realized that it has been her heart causing her trouble breathing and she has no infection. Her symptoms have included: low blood pressure, dizzy spells, trouble breathing, chest pains, fluid around her lungs (not pneumonia or infection), coughing, wheezing, hypoxia, tachycardia, extreme fatigue, heart palpitations, and atrial fibrillation. During her surgery in the morning the goal is to replace her mitral valve with a mechanical valve and to repair her tricuspid valve. She will be placed on a bypass machine and have open heart surgery that is expected to happen at noon tomorrow and take anywhere from 3-8 hours to complete. The time is so broad because they do not know exactly what to expect. All of their tests have been none invasive, so while they have some idea of what is going on the true extent has yet to be realized. They have her on prophylactics and have been monitoring her closely for change and progress. Daily, sometimes hourly, x-rays, blood draws, needle pricks, and IV's have been part of every day life for the past 12 days. After this surgery and recovery process at the hospital is complete, my mom will be going to The Loft with Poppy and Ma. They have hired a part time nurse to help care for her while she is recovering. I am so thankful that they offered this. Keep in mind that this hospital stay will probably be 23-25 days long. I know she is tired of being here, and I don't blame her. I am not sure if it is hormones or just being a dramatic girl, but hell yes I am scared. Scared is probably an understatement. It was just last night that my mom and I sat in her room and cried together for about thirty minutes. I have had my moments today and I am sure I will have more in the days to follow. She is scared and seeing my mom (the all-powerful all-knowing mom) scared is just not something I am used to. She has always been my rock and my refuge and now it is time for me to step up to the plate. But I am terrified. I am placing a huge amount of faith in God and in this surgeons hands. He holds the life of the person that is the reason I am here in His hands. I don't know how I am going to handle seeing my mom on a ventilator and unable to speak. I don't know much about how long she will be away from me in the ICU. I feel like the weight of the world is on my two very weak shoulders and the only thing holding me up is faith and the support of a few key people. I have learned that not everyone you think will be there for you will. Friends that you thought were just acquaintances become family, and family members become strangers and blood means absolutely nothing. Mikhail and I are wonderful. He is still the rock that is holding me together. He and his family have been the greatest support system and I truly don't know where I would be without them. He has restored my faith in the male species and constantly surprises me about how much he cares. I am one lucky lady to call him mine! (Plus he's kinda cute and I'm kind of in love with him, so I think I'll keep him around). Honestly, right now it is hard to focus on me. I am struggling but talking through it. My therapist has helped tremendously. I truly believe that things will get easier when this surgery is over and my mom is out of ICU. I wish that I could wake up and it be Thursday and have my mom already be recovering and healthy. I am trying my hardest to keep calm and have been utilizing the coping skills I have learned the past few weeks. I know that we will be able to lean on each other during this hard time. Me- Sara (the daughter) Mom- Sheri (the strongest woman I know) Mikhail- my amazing boyfriend Poppy- Sheri's dad, my grandpa (he's pretty wonderful) Ma- Denise, my grandma (she's the glue in this family) Aunt J- Joyce, my mom's best friend and my hero Thank you to everyone that has called/texted/visited/prayed/encouraged/cried with me and for my mom. You all are wonderful and I am so blessed to have you in my life. We have really come together and I am so happy that she has so many people behind her.
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