How do I even begin this post... Here it goes. I have been self-harming since I was 11 years old. Thats 15 years to be exact. I got the tattoo on my wrist after exactly 365 days of not self harming and guess what, three weeks later I was back to my old ways. I have learned that even though I relapsed I still made it 365 days without cutting. Cutting has been my only coping skill for as long as I can remember. Today a friend of mine gave me a few questions to ask myself before I even think about doing anything selfishly.
Question 1: When my brother and sisters speak about me in later years, what will they say?
Question 2: Would my mom survive? I am her child and losing a child will be devastating.
Question 3: Would this make my brother and sisters find it acceptable to do the same?
Question 4: Would my death cause a chain reaction that I had no intention of starting?
I am in therapy and I have a contract with my therapist and we have a safety plan in place. So please do not worry. I am trying to take care of myself. It is just difficult when I am taking care of other people too. I find it so easy to let my problems sit in the back of my mind and just forget about them while helping other people. I have also learned that having the degree that I have makes it very easy to help others and guess what most of the time I can, but that does not translate to helping myself. I am learning every day. If you find it in your heart to pray for me, please do.
I plan on getting a semicolon tattoo within the next two months because guess what, I survived my attempts. All six of them. By some miraculous event I am still here. I did it. A semicolon represents a sentence that the author could have ended, but chose not to. I feel that is how I could represent my drive to keep going!
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Happy Birthday Mommy!!
Mommy, Happy Birthday to the woman that always brought out the best in me or at least saw the best in me regardless of what I did or didn't do. You have poured your life and soul into making me the person that I am today, and you did it alone. I am so lucky that God chose me to be your first born. Thank you for inspiring me, guiding me, and praying for me. You have loved me when I was seemingly unloveable. You have given me strength that sometimes I cannot see, but I can always feel. Thank you for laughing with me, and crying with me, and teaching me that my character means more than what other people think of me. You have gone through so much and you still find a way to make me smile in the midst of your battle. You are the strongest person I know and I love you.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Worry
I'd like to say that things are so much better than this time last year but to be honest things aren't better... they are different. Instead of worrying about what class I should register in or who I'm going to the movies with tonight I am exchanging those worries for new ones like "will my little Tara and Jordan think that my mom and I have abandoned them" or "when is my mom going to need to have a heart/lung transplant" or "can I make it through this day with maybe just one or two more panic attacks". Right now I am living my life second by second because that is all I can manage. I feel like my life is one step forward three steps back. I can't seem to catch up and I feel like I am drowning. Also, Mikhail is a saint.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
A Birthday Party and a Sick Puppy
Mommy, Mikhail and I went to Colton's 6th birthday party last night at the Clubhouse. It was a blast, minus the 115 heat index. It was great having so much family together! He is really into Pokemon so Kristen did an amazing job (as always) decorating and making it super fun for all the kiddos! She is so creative, sadly I missed out on that gene! I loved getting to see Jordan and Tara! I have missed them so much. It broke my heart when Jordan came to me and said "will you pick me up and hug me". They are doing so well!
Mom is doing well. She is still on 3L of oxygen but she has been able to get out a little bit. We even went to the eye doctor on Friday! Don't worry, I am still legally blind, but the eye doctor can get me to 20/25 so I will still be able to drive! Mom had gained too much weight in a very short amount of time (it was all water weight) so we made an unexpected trip to Oklahoma Heart Institute to get her medication changed. They did a chest x-ray and everything is looking much better! She is doing great in physical therapy. She has been able to walk the stairs and shower with just a little help! We finally got longer tubing for her oxygen so she can keep it on at all times!
Oh my gosh! Aunt Joyce is in town! I saw her and hugged her for approximately four hours. I have missed her. She truly is like a second mom to me. Its so weird, we can go two months with not seeing each other and all of us pick up right where we left off. She is an amazing friend to my sweet momma and a great Aunt to me!
Well today has been a rough one! Mikhail and I took Macy to the vet this afternoon because she had been coughing and sneezing and just seemed miserable... My biggest fears were confirmed; she has kennel cough. She was vaccinated against it but there are different strains of kennel cough (like the flu shot in humans) so she was a very unlucky puppy. The vet gave her liquid antibiotics and a cough pill. I am just hoping she doesn't spread it to Butter or either of Mickeys parents dogs. Bella has it as well.
Mikhail has been cooking every night! He has cooked every meal and has been trying to teach me to cook, too. I am so impressed with the food he comes up with! He can go into our kitchen and make something delicious with limited ingredients, and its ALL healthy and gluten free! We have had so much fun!
Oh, I checked the mail today and got a piece of mail from Saint Francis, I was expecting a huge bill and it was actually a small check! Things are great!
Mom is doing well. She is still on 3L of oxygen but she has been able to get out a little bit. We even went to the eye doctor on Friday! Don't worry, I am still legally blind, but the eye doctor can get me to 20/25 so I will still be able to drive! Mom had gained too much weight in a very short amount of time (it was all water weight) so we made an unexpected trip to Oklahoma Heart Institute to get her medication changed. They did a chest x-ray and everything is looking much better! She is doing great in physical therapy. She has been able to walk the stairs and shower with just a little help! We finally got longer tubing for her oxygen so she can keep it on at all times!
Oh my gosh! Aunt Joyce is in town! I saw her and hugged her for approximately four hours. I have missed her. She truly is like a second mom to me. Its so weird, we can go two months with not seeing each other and all of us pick up right where we left off. She is an amazing friend to my sweet momma and a great Aunt to me!
Well today has been a rough one! Mikhail and I took Macy to the vet this afternoon because she had been coughing and sneezing and just seemed miserable... My biggest fears were confirmed; she has kennel cough. She was vaccinated against it but there are different strains of kennel cough (like the flu shot in humans) so she was a very unlucky puppy. The vet gave her liquid antibiotics and a cough pill. I am just hoping she doesn't spread it to Butter or either of Mickeys parents dogs. Bella has it as well.
Mikhail has been cooking every night! He has cooked every meal and has been trying to teach me to cook, too. I am so impressed with the food he comes up with! He can go into our kitchen and make something delicious with limited ingredients, and its ALL healthy and gluten free! We have had so much fun!
Oh, I checked the mail today and got a piece of mail from Saint Francis, I was expecting a huge bill and it was actually a small check! Things are great!
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Quotes, Goals, and Some Jesus
Goals
1. My value does not decrease based upon someones inability to see my worth…
2. If it doesn't encourage or support me, inspire or engage me, develop and challenge me… get rid of it. Being unhappy is part of life; staying that way is a choice…
3. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
4. Dear God, if today I lose my hope please remind me that your PLANS are bigger than my dreams…
5. Until God opens the next door, praise HIM in the hallway…
Being Thankful
These are the five most important lessons that I need to learn for my life. My God is bigger than any problem I could possibly face or any part of my past that continues to hurt me. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I have my family that I know would do anything for me; they have continually proved this over and over agin. I have a man in my life that is probably the sweetest thing God ever created; he continually treats me like a princess and I love him dearly. I have so many doctors that are trying to help me get well. I have new friends and old friends that help keep me going when I think I have nothing left to give. I have my sweet, sweet Macy and Butter that cuddle me even more when they know that I'm not feeling well.
Goals For July
1. Make and Stick to a Budget. bahahaha. Okay, so we all know that Sara has tried to do a budget before… FAILED MISERABLY. There was no hiding it. Old Navy deciding that I needed a new wardrobe. That generous police officer that decided I needed to pay the City of Tulsa $711. Macy's pet insurance (which I assure you is absolutely necessary seeing as her medical bills match mine most months) was due to renew. Chipotle's obvious schemes used to get me specifically to eat there twice a week. So, this time I will try to make a budget that is completely easy to attend to and follow it. Or at least try my hardest.
2. Follow my Agenda. I specifically bought a new agenda thinking that it would motivate me to write appointments in and have a way to follow it… Living my life relying on my cell phone calendar is probably not the most responsible thing I could be doing. I am 26 it is time to pull up my big girl panties and do what I need to do.
3. Change my Last Name. Okay so this is something that I have been thinking about for the past 15 years. For personal reasons I will not discuss why this needs to be done, but I promise it does. I am changing it to my Mommy's last name. I have the papers to start the process… I just need to start filling out that paperwork and take it down to the courthouse to file. (YAY!). Oh, and don't get me started on the whole "well you'll be getting married soon why change it"… I will hurt you.
4. Be more proactive in my team. I have some very serious mental health issues and my team is the group of people that is trying to help me. This includes an Intensive Outpatient Group, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Mikhail, my Mom, and Me. I am supposed to be the leader of my team. I am slowly learning that I am not my illness, but it has been a daily struggle to even get out of bed some days. Some days the issues I am dealing with are too difficult to face. I am trying. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I need to take my medicine, I need to show up to therapy, and I need to talk and listen more.
5. Make Better Choices for My Life. I graduated college almost 2 years ago… I'm sure the ramen noodle diet is probably not going to be appropriate much longer. (I will always bleed crimson and cream! #proudalumni #boomersooner). I am thinking about starting some light yoga that won't put too much pressure on my arm. Believe it or not, I am actually thinking about voluntarily going back to physical therapy for my arm (I know I'm crazy, right?). I need to take Macy on more walks. She loves being outside and can't help it… I love every ounce of that puppy!
1. My value does not decrease based upon someones inability to see my worth…
2. If it doesn't encourage or support me, inspire or engage me, develop and challenge me… get rid of it. Being unhappy is part of life; staying that way is a choice…
3. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
4. Dear God, if today I lose my hope please remind me that your PLANS are bigger than my dreams…
5. Until God opens the next door, praise HIM in the hallway…
Being Thankful
These are the five most important lessons that I need to learn for my life. My God is bigger than any problem I could possibly face or any part of my past that continues to hurt me. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I have my family that I know would do anything for me; they have continually proved this over and over agin. I have a man in my life that is probably the sweetest thing God ever created; he continually treats me like a princess and I love him dearly. I have so many doctors that are trying to help me get well. I have new friends and old friends that help keep me going when I think I have nothing left to give. I have my sweet, sweet Macy and Butter that cuddle me even more when they know that I'm not feeling well.
Goals For July
1. Make and Stick to a Budget. bahahaha. Okay, so we all know that Sara has tried to do a budget before… FAILED MISERABLY. There was no hiding it. Old Navy deciding that I needed a new wardrobe. That generous police officer that decided I needed to pay the City of Tulsa $711. Macy's pet insurance (which I assure you is absolutely necessary seeing as her medical bills match mine most months) was due to renew. Chipotle's obvious schemes used to get me specifically to eat there twice a week. So, this time I will try to make a budget that is completely easy to attend to and follow it. Or at least try my hardest.
2. Follow my Agenda. I specifically bought a new agenda thinking that it would motivate me to write appointments in and have a way to follow it… Living my life relying on my cell phone calendar is probably not the most responsible thing I could be doing. I am 26 it is time to pull up my big girl panties and do what I need to do.
3. Change my Last Name. Okay so this is something that I have been thinking about for the past 15 years. For personal reasons I will not discuss why this needs to be done, but I promise it does. I am changing it to my Mommy's last name. I have the papers to start the process… I just need to start filling out that paperwork and take it down to the courthouse to file. (YAY!). Oh, and don't get me started on the whole "well you'll be getting married soon why change it"… I will hurt you.
4. Be more proactive in my team. I have some very serious mental health issues and my team is the group of people that is trying to help me. This includes an Intensive Outpatient Group, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Mikhail, my Mom, and Me. I am supposed to be the leader of my team. I am slowly learning that I am not my illness, but it has been a daily struggle to even get out of bed some days. Some days the issues I am dealing with are too difficult to face. I am trying. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I need to take my medicine, I need to show up to therapy, and I need to talk and listen more.
5. Make Better Choices for My Life. I graduated college almost 2 years ago… I'm sure the ramen noodle diet is probably not going to be appropriate much longer. (I will always bleed crimson and cream! #proudalumni #boomersooner). I am thinking about starting some light yoga that won't put too much pressure on my arm. Believe it or not, I am actually thinking about voluntarily going back to physical therapy for my arm (I know I'm crazy, right?). I need to take Macy on more walks. She loves being outside and can't help it… I love every ounce of that puppy!
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Truths
His Embrace
I fail, daily.
I am not perfect in any fashion…honestly I often find myself running from perfection.
I am a sinner.
A dirty, thoughtless, selfish, lustful, greedy, rude, arrogant sinner.
I break promises.
I’ve bruised hearts with harsh words.
I fall into temptation over and over and OVER again.
I judge, even though i hate it.
I’m absolutely broken.
I’ve been a quitter.
I’ve put God last.
Thankfully…
His embrace is one that heals.
He reaches into the core of my being, the threads of my soul and says: This one is mine.
I am HIS.
Redeemed.
Rescued.
Restored.
The sins i struggle with…forgiven.
The fear that grips my spirit…broken.
The love i’ve abandoned…present.
His embrace is one that heals…
I fail, daily.
I am not perfect in any fashion…honestly I often find myself running from perfection.
I am a sinner.
A dirty, thoughtless, selfish, lustful, greedy, rude, arrogant sinner.
I break promises.
I’ve bruised hearts with harsh words.
I fall into temptation over and over and OVER again.
I judge, even though i hate it.
I’m absolutely broken.
I’ve been a quitter.
I’ve put God last.
Thankfully…
His embrace is one that heals.
He reaches into the core of my being, the threads of my soul and says: This one is mine.
I am HIS.
Redeemed.
Rescued.
Restored.
The sins i struggle with…forgiven.
The fear that grips my spirit…broken.
The love i’ve abandoned…present.
His embrace is one that heals…
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
The Rolling Stones
OH. MY. GOD.
Saturday Rick (Mikhail's Dad), Pam (Mikhail's Mom), Mikhail and I went to see The Rolling Stones! This was the chance of a lifetime! I am so lucky that I got to see this concert! Ed Sheeran opened, and I have to admit that I fan-girled a little too hard! He was wonderful! He sang "I'm a Mess", "Lego House", "Don't", "The A Team", and "Thinking Out Loud" just to name a few! I sang along to every word thinking there was no way seeing him could be topped. Boy was I wrong! Mikhail didn't hate him too much either! The Rolling Stones played all of their classics! They started out with "Start Me Up" and also played "Gimme Shelter" which quite possibly have been the best song of the evening! They kept building up and continued to blow my mind! I cannot believe I had the opportunity to see The Rolling Stones!!! I will never forget. I am angry at myself that I didn't take more pictures, but lets face it, I was a little distracted by the amazing Mick Jagger. The fraternity guys in front of us pregamed a little too hard. They were falling over each other pouring into their seats and I'm pretty sure that all 5 of them had 10 beers a piece. The guy directly in front of me was trying to dance (I emphasize trying here, because this was the worst dancing I have ever seen) and he fell into the lady in front of him and landed on top of her. He was escorted out of the concert. Also, the smell of pot was crazy. I don't believe in contact highs but holy crap did I have cotton mouth! Oh, I didn't get a sunburn so that was awesome! Kudos to Pam for bringing sunscreen! I had the time of my life. It was nice to get away from everything that has been going on at home... but I did text mom every hour I think. haha.
Mommy is doing wonderfully. Her stamina is building and building! She is able to walk 5 laps around Poppy's driveway at the house. I am seriously impressed with how great she is doing. We have to go weekly to get her blood levels checked to make sure she's not forming blood clots. Physical Therapy comes twice a week and is really helping! (I also know her PTA Michelle, she's pretty great) Home Health is coming once a week now to check on her vital signs and medication. Her appetite has improved! She is eating very healthy foods! I am so proud of her!
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