Honesty

How do I even begin this post... Here it goes. I have been self-harming since I was 11 years old. Thats 15 years to be exact. I got the tattoo on my wrist after exactly 365 days of not self harming and guess what, three weeks later I was back to my old ways. I have learned that even though I relapsed I still made it 365 days without cutting. Cutting has been my only coping skill for as long as I can remember. Today a friend of mine gave me a few questions to ask myself before I even think about doing anything selfishly.

Question 1: When my brother and sisters speak about me in later years, what will they say?
Question 2: Would my mom survive? I am her child and losing a child will be devastating.
Question 3: Would this make my brother and sisters find it acceptable to do the same?
Question 4: Would my death cause a chain reaction that I had no intention of starting?

I am in therapy and I have a contract with my therapist and we have a safety plan in place. So please do not worry. I am trying to take care of myself. It is just difficult when I am taking care of other people too. I find it so easy to let my problems sit in the back of my mind and just forget about them while helping other people. I have also learned that having the degree that I have makes it very easy to help others and guess what most of the time I can, but that does not translate to helping myself. I am learning every day. If you find it in your heart to pray for me, please do.

I plan on getting a semicolon tattoo within the next two months because guess what, I survived my attempts. All six of them. By some miraculous event I am still here. I did it. A semicolon represents a sentence that the author could have ended, but chose not to. I feel that is how I could represent my drive to keep going!